People tell me that I shouldn't need you to be happy.
Well, of course other things will make me happy, but I'm just not completely happy.
I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
It just means that you mean a lot to me, and I want my life to be with you.
I hope you're happy, but I also hope you're not.
I don't want you to be sad, but I don't want you to be okay with not being with me.
It'll mean that I've always loved you more, and that's the one thing I never want to win.
I know we have to wait, in fact a part of me wants to.
I just think a part of me wants you now more than wanting to wait.

Clair de Lune, I think of you.

I'm listening to a beautiful performance of Clair de Lune, and it makes me think of you.
I know I've told you many times, but I love when you play piano for me.
It's beautiful.
You put so much love and care into every piece you play, even if you say you don't care for the piece.

This piece is so beautiful.
Tears stream down my face as I think about when I would sit next to you while you played. I would hug you from behind and kiss you as you continued to play.

I ache and wait for when I can do that again.

I miss you. I love you.

Weed. Not gonna lie.

HOLY SHIIIIT
I think that anyone who is against pot needs to go smoke a bowl and then try to tell me to my face WHILE THEY'RE HIGH that it isn't awesome and shouldn't be legalized.
Seriously.
So goooood.
It's like multiple dreams each 10-15 seconds long.
man oh man
<3
Good dubstep is now like twice as better.

Hypocrites.

I posted something today on Facebook.
I was calling Chris Crocker a faggot.
Why? Because he is.
Yes, he's gay. But he's just stupid.
I was quoting Louis CK when I used faggot.
Louis CK uses it as "stupid and annoying".
Not the derogatory name for gays.
So when other gays and people give me shit for using "faggot" DESPITE the fact that I said SPECIFICALLY that I did NOT mean it in the mean way, it pisses me off.
Someone said that I basically don't have a right to use "faggot" in the way that I was describing. That only the LGBT community can.
Well guess what that's doing for you!
It's showing the whole damn world that you ARE different from us. That there IS something between us. That you don't WANT to include straight people. That you are giving only members of the LGBT community credibility.
When someone calls me a Jew in a negative way, I brush it off. Then they leave me alone. Because I don't CARE. My friends call me Jew. They're not Jewish. Hardly any of them are. I still let them. Why? Because I know they don't mean it in a negative why. They have credibility because I trust them and they're my friends. They don't need to be Jewish in order for me to not be offended.
You're not going to get anywhere if you attack the people who are on your side.
It's logic. Get it? I'm not attacking you.
I was attacking the stupid bitch in the video.
Oops, I used bitch. That's a derogatory term for female!
Oh wait, I'm a girl, so it's okay.
But that means that anyone who's NOT a girl can't use "bitch".
Does that seem fair? No.
Seriously.
Get off your high horse. NONE of you are the Kings of the gay community.
You do not represent every single gay person in the world.
There are a lot of gay people who can take a joke and aren't as sensitive, and obviously, you're not one of them.
I support the people who can take jokes.
I support the general LGBT community.
I do not support the people who get mad at the people on their side because they think they can come up with the rules because THEY'RE the gay one.
Oh look, I'm attracted to females.
Does that mean I'm a part of the LGBT community?
I guess so.
So does that mean I now have credibility?
I guess so.
And guess what! Faggot doesn't offend me.
Oh, but wait, I'm not as much of a gay as you are.
Well, a lot of you aren't as much of a Jew as I am.
So don't make any Jew jokes.

But actually I don't care. At all. Because I make fun of everyone. I make jokes about everything. And if I'm offended by something, I'll brush it off.
And I suggest you do the same before someone actually calls you a faggot in the derogatory way for acting like such a girl.

You're all still great people. You all have wonderful qualities which is why I consider you friends.

Maybe it's because..

I feel a bit depressed.
Maybe it's because I'm still sick and I've been getting other painful symptoms most likely originating from POTS.
Maybe it's because I'm a bit sensitive to people.
Maybe it's because I'm stresses about my school work.

But Moses just climbed on top of me and I've got to admit, I feel a lot happier at the moment.

I'm almost 17. You'd think I'd be able to get into a car without direct permission from my parents.

My parents think I need to get their permission to get a ride from someone from school to my house.
They're not okay with me simply letting them know when I leave, who I'm with, and when I'm home.
What the fuck.
You guys don't even answer me right away.
I'm sorry, but I'm not going to fucking wait around for a half hour for your response.
God fucking damn it.
I'm old enough to handle this shit!
I just can't even handle it.
I'm so upset.
It's so fucking ridiculous.
I want to go home so I can fucking SLEEP.
Why? BECAUSE I'M FUCKING TIRED ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
Neither of you fucking get that so get off my SHIT.
Jesus Christ.
I hate them.
Fuck them.
This is just fucking stupid.

I tend to get upset over little nothings. I wonder where I get it from. It couldn't be from my mom...could it?

My mom has been home for the past two days for two reasons:
1. She said she caught something from my sister and I.
2. To take care of me.

I was kind of hoping that since she already took two days off that she would be awesome and take tomorrow off so I could go down to Eugene.
So I sent her a text asking her why she would take two days off and not tomorrow, and that it was like she was mocking me. I meant it in a semi serious way, meaning not completely serious, right?
Well, she comes upstairs really upset, demands that I get off the computer, I ask her why, she grabs the screen, I go HOLY SHIT!? because I was afraid she was gonna break the damn thing, and she goes off about how ungrateful I am.
I don't understand why she can't take a damn joke!
She COULD have just said, "Because I'm taking care of you and Sam's not on my priority list."
That would have ended it.
I would have gotten the point.
Instead she blew up like a damn hot air balloon and made everything worse.
I wonder where I get that bs from.
Seriously, though.
Super annoying.

I'm just going to wait for Bridesmaids to download and hopefully that'll cheer me up, though I'm currently in no mood for something like that.

You ever just get so annoyed that there are very few things that can cheer you up?
Well I'm like that right now.
Maybe my medicine is making me so wound-up.
It could be.

But I'm raging.
>:(

I can seriously do what I want. Stop living in your own world and trying to stop me from doing so because the more you do that, the more I'm just gonna do whatever the hell I want.

I wanna see Sam this Friday.
Dan won't be here.
My mom is working.
Even if I take the bus, I wouldn't be able to stay for his concert.
FUCK. THIS. SHIT.
I am SO upset right now.
Cool, I won't see him until Thanksgiving.
I am going to make my parents feel terrible.
Seriously, I don't care.
Dan said he would drive me down to Eugene a few times.
He's done it once so far, and that's because my step brother was in need for some tires.
Other than that, Dan doesn't feel like it.
My mom is working.
If I had my damn license I could drive there myself.
Too bad they don't trust me enough to do that.
Seriously? I'm raging.
So upset.
Things like this really tick me off.
I'm almost 17.
I've flown across the damn country multiple times.
I'm in school without you around every single day.
I can do WHATEVER I want.
Really. I can.
So just let me be.
I don't ask for so much that you need to slap NO in my face when I ask for something like this.
I'm not going to sit and wait until you think I'm ready, because that's bullshit.
I'm going to keep pestering you until I get what I want because then I get it earlier than what you had planned for and that's what I damn straight want.
I honestly don't care that it stresses you out.
You need to let me grow the fuck up and stop treating me like I'm unable to take care of myself.
I'm more independent than you think.
I'm pretty sure both of you had more independence when you were 13 because you damn HAD to.
Just because I have the privilege of still being catered to doesn't mean that you need to treat me like I don't know how to handle myself.
God damnit.
I can drive down to Eugene.
Fuck you, I can buy a train ticket without you even knowing.
I have the whole fucking plan.
You know that PayPal account with a little less then $200 we got from selling the Wii and games?
Tell me mom, how often do you check that balance? Never?
Exactly.
So I could buy a Max ticket to go to the train station and buy myself a ticket online to Eugene.
I really fucking could.
It's too bad that the latest bus back is at 5:45pm. Looks like I'll have to spend the night with Sam!
You don't fucking realize how much I could be doing.
And how fucking FINE I would be.
I'm not going to die.
I'm not going to go do an insane amount of drugs or get into prostitution or get pregnant.
Are you worried that I'm going to have sex?
Trust me, I don't want a fucking baby.
But I'm also not going to repress my HUMAN FUCKING EMOTIONS.
That's what gets me.
People were having babies at 14 in your time, believe it or not. That was acceptable.
And they had successful families.
I can handle having sex because I know if I'm emotionally ready or not.
I'm not selling myself off to a douche bag.
I love this man. No, I don't know the future but I'm not going to live my life waiting for my "soul mate" to roll around. That's pointless.
Seriously. I'm tired of you holding me back in stupid ways.
You probably won't let me ride the Max to Portland.
Now, I admit Portland is fucking scary.
Is it sad to say that you probably won't even let me ride the Max to another location in Hillsboro?
Yeah, that's pretty fucking sad and it's true.
You don't know how many plans I've thought out about doing whatever I want.
I have money. As long as I have money, I can do whatever I want.
And I can easily get money.
Hell, I know your PIN code for your debit card.
What's stopping me from withdrawing all of your money and taking off?
It's stupid, but I can do it.
Fuck.
FUCK.
I'm just so angry.
I love being a kid and not having responsibilities. But I would ALSO love to act just a LITTLE like my age.
You know, 17? Because I'm practically there. That's not that young.
Fuck you.
I'm so pissed.

Sick days.

I have some viral upper respiratory infection, so today is my second day home from school this week.
It can get a little boring in my room, so I went downstairs to the living room to watch some TV.
No, Dan. I'm not acting more sick than I actually am.
That's one thing that annoys me.
He always thinks I'm faking.
I'm coughing up gross mucus and my heart rate is going wacko.
It's not like I WANT to be sick.
It's actually painful.
I'd just rather get my mind off of it and not be completely miserable is every way possible.
Is that too much to ask for?
God damnit. It's just REALLY fucking annoying.
So he can get over a sickness better than I can.
Too bad he doesn't have a failure of a heart and isn't prone to upper respiratory infections like I am due to my POTS.
He works out like three times a week, of course he'll get better more quickly.
Seriously.
Fucking asshole.

On a side note, my coughing is starting to hurt me. I hope I'm not damaging myself.

A simple Friday.

I stayed home from school today.
Of course I'll be going to Radio Jazz Hour rehearsal later on, but I needed a day off.
Schools is awfully stressful.

I also feel like I'm in a weird state of mind, and nothing is really helping.
Maybe there just aren't any good shows on.

It might be the weather. I feel better when it's sunny out. It's prettier and less lonely.

Maybe I'll go watch some Family Guy or some other comedy.

I'll do my Stats homework soon, too. I don't think I'll have a lot of time over the weekend.

Real talk.

If there's a will, there's a way.

So incredibly true.

Such is life.

I'm sick of school.
I don't like the long hours in the same place, snacking on unhealthy food to curb my hunger until lunch time, by which then I'm already full on pretzels and candy.
I'm always tired. I just want to sleep.
I'm sick of high school. It's the same thing every year.
I would like a break.
I want to sleep with no thought of obligation on my mind.
I don't like making myself go to sleep so I won't be near passing out the next day at school.
I like staying on Facebook and talking to my boyfriend until 2am and then passing out from exhaustion.
It feels satisfying.

I guess I just miss the summer. This past summer was quite nice.

And I think I'm trying to make myself be someone who I'm not.
But that happens all the time in high school, right?
Still, though. I don't know how I feel about everything.
I'm confused.

I would like to go to my dad's house now.
I miss him.

Maybe I don't want to grow up.
But at the same time I do.
I want some change in my life.
A part of me wants to have a stable job that doesn't put too much stress on me.
Then I would go home at a decent time and have my own time.
No work to do.
I would pay my bills and earn my own living.
It's nice having money handed to you, but I don't feel as satisfied as I would if I earned things myself.

I get too tired though.
I think my POTS is getting worse.
I hope I'm not developing EDS in addition to my worsening POTS, but my bones are starting to pop in odd places.
When I stretch out my knees and then relax them, my knees almost always crack.
My lower back has been popping quite easily, simply by me laying down at points.
Today, I was sitting in my chair. When I maneuvered myself, it felt as though two vertebrae right at the base of my neck popped against each other, like when you crack your knuckles. It was uncomfortable.
I suppose I should start to exercise, because I know it'll help.
But I'm just too tired to do it.
Chronic fatigue is an annoyance.

Such is life.

Ball to the FACE.

I got hit in the face with a spinning basketball today.
Jordan knows how to spin a basketball on his finger, and I was jealous.
I've seen people transfer the spinning ball to someone else, so I wanted him to do that so I could "spin the ball" too.
Well, he doesn't exactly know how to do that, so instead, he spun the ball in the air, intending for it to land on my finger.
Whoops, it made hard contact with my nose and made me bleed.
Ow.
It was kind of awk, especially because there were about seven witnesses who all laughed when it happened. Of course they felt awk too when they realized I got a nose bleed.

I'm so so sorry.

Dear goodness, how sorry I am.
How regretful I feel.
How I wish I could take so many things I said back.
I hate how much it hurt you and bothered you.
I hate it so much and I wish I could have realized that it wasn't good far earlier.

I think this may be my last chance....I really hope I don't blow it. I love you so much, and yes, I love you more.

Who I am is with you.

Who I am now is with you.
There is no me without you.
I've changed, and you've been a part of that change.
Losing you is losing a part of myself.

I love Moses.

I love my cat Moses.
Here I am, laying on my bed, on my laptop.
He jumps on my bed, walks on me, flips onto his back, and demands to be pet.
He maneuvers himself in such a way that his face ends up in my armpit.
He proceeds to like then sniff my armpit.
Some may think it's gross, but I just have a HUGE amount of love for my cat. <3

I'm not going to pretend. I'm not going to play games.

People keep telling me that I need to make it seem like I don't care.
But it's too hard.
Of course I care.
Also I'm scared that if you think I don't care, then you'll be just fine with splitting up.
I care.
Okay?
I care like a motherfucker.

I want to live.

My parents won't let me drink a soda.

A soda. A Mountain Dew.

I'm almost 17 years old, and I need their permission.

This just adds to the pile of reasons why I DON'T want to be here for college.

I understand that I'm young. But that's not my fault.

My mom was the one who put me in school at such a young age.

It's her fault she didn't see this coming.

She can't punish me and make me suffer now. I'm growing up, and despite my age, I'm mature too.

I don't want to grow up and look back at my college years and see half of them as lame.

I can eventually pay off student loans.

I can't relive my youth. I don't want to continue spending it as a child of amish parents.

I want to be a stupid teenager every once in a while. I want to live.